he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
