oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Randomize
