if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
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Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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