Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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