I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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