just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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