I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
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The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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