Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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