Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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