i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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