Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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