So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
