Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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