On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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