Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
