Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
