I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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