It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
