I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
