I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
