"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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