just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
