I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
