So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
