i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
