I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
