The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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