so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
