Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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