id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
