Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
