he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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