new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
