I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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