My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Ladies don't puke and tell
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
