I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
