All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
