if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
