It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
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