Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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