ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
