I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
