We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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