proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
