We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
