Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
