Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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