I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
North Korea, Best Korea!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
