I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
