My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
