this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
