call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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