just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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