those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
