Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
