ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
