so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
