I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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