do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
