I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize