How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
