I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
